Your dad touched me again.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
