part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
