we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
