I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
