We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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