I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So gin and wine won't be happening again
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
