I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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