I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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