So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
