The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
