dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
