I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Randomize
