I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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