: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
