I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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