just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
