Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
