The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
