Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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