do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
