Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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