In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
