Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
ugly people sure do ruin things
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
