I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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