I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
