im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
