We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
