You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
