So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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