Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
