I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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