2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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