Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
