i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
