I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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