I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
