apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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