I could make wine with my vomit
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
