I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
