i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
