the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
