My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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