i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
