i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
