you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
