I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
