you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
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You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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