Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
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His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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