I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
