So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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