ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
