well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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