Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
