Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
