Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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