I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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