I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
