I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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