I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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