It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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